I have been in a state of limbo the last couple months: a mental slump = physical exhaustion. I’ve shied away from writing on my blog, only keeping up on social media with small, hopefully impactful posts. I have been in a “blah” state of mind. I don’t feel like doing anything. I would much rather play games on my phone and read the latest romance novel (side note: I read a new novel about every two days, one right after the other). Am I depressed? Am I lazy? Or am I just tired all the time?
Even the smallest of tasks seems daunting. It’s as if I just don’t want to have to think extensively about anything…well, that’s exactly what it is. I still do things I don’t want to do, obviously. I have to make myself get up and make dinner when I’m feeling well. I have to make myself get up and do light cleaning. Once in a while I’ll get a burst of energy and want to clean the whole house. I gather all my cleaning rags and sprays, begin to organize the chaos, and then stop shortly after in true physical exhaustion. I only wiped down the kitchen counter and unloaded the dishwasher. Now I need a nap! Yep, that’s how it goes.
The inability to continue then depresses me and I go lie down, both mentally and physically exhausted and usually ending in a nap after. Here’s the thing. I know all of this about myself now. I know that I can only do so much before my batteries run out. I have learned to be okay with it all, but I can’t lie to myself and say that it doesn’t bother me sometimes. Even so, I know that if I set smaller goals I will feel successful and my mood will brighten. Here’s an example:
My house is a mess because I’ve been in bed for four days straight with a killer migraine. I’ve only left my bed to freshen up in the bathroom or take medication. I’ve only sat up in the bed to eat and drink or adjust my body. I haven’t seen daylight in as many days. My kids tip toe around my room and know better than to turn on my light. I have tons of brain fog and I’ve only eaten what I can handle. I’m spent. Today, though, I finally have peace of brain and the migraine has subsided, hangover and all. I have renewed strength and I feel like a new woman rising out of the ashes. How long will it last? Nobody knows. That’s okay, I need to keep my mind positive and upbeat. I’ve been in severe depression for the duration of that migraine and it’s 100% due to the pain my brain and body has been attacked with. Once I walk into the kitchen there’s a mound of dishes, the table is basically a shelf for random paper, mail, and laptops, and the paper towel holder sits empty…even though a full roll sits next to it. It’s obvious I’ve been out of commission too many days in a row. Nobody around to nag the family to keep the house clean ;). With a renewed spirit, I desperately want to get down like the old days and clean the whole house in one day with enough energy to work on the yard! Ha! Dream on chica! I laugh at my eager motivation, “slow your roll,” I tell myself. First thing is first, I break up the chore of cleaning the kitchen into smaller pieces and decide what to delegate to the husband and kids. They are old enough to do dishes, so I definitely delegate that one out if I know my body can’t handle standing in the same spot for too long (which is a lot of the time). I do dishes if there isn’t much to clean, if I don’t I usually regret it later with a migraine that wreaks havoc on my muscular system. I also delegate sweeping and moping for the same reasons. Next, I say to myself, “start with the visible trash on counter and the table.” Just this act alone makes a big difference in the way a room looks. I also take stray dishes to the sink during this process. Next small chore is to go through all the papers on the table and/or counters and decide what to keep. I organize those and put them in the proper places. Once the surfaces are clear of anything that doesn’t belong, I’ll get a damp rag and cleaning spray and clean off the tables and counters. I’ll also work on the stove, leaving any stuck-on food to the hubby or my kids. If I have a little more pep in my step, I’ll also clean down the cabinets and refrigerator with a quick wipe. Last, if there are any stray items on the floor I will also bend to pick them up and put them where they go. Otherwise, I also leave that for the family to do. Let’s be real, if I was single and lived alone my house would always be clean. Seriously, I hate to clean with a passion! It’s never been my favorite thing to do. BUT, I also hate living with a dirty kitchen. It feels so good to wake up in the morning to clean counters and a sparkling fossette.
So, as you can see, I break up my chores into smaller tasks and don’t always beat myself up anymore when I can’t do it all. It was tricky to get used to at first. It took time to stop being so hard on myself. I had to adjust. I’m not perfect, I still have moments when I throw a tantrum in my own mind for not finishing the whole project. I get over it, though, and I move on. But like I said earlier, I’ve been in a slump the last couple months. Why? I’m still not sure and I think I’ve spent way too much time analyzing it all.
It’s time to stop beating myself up for just taking it easy and listening to my body. In the same amount of time my health has gone through several roller coaster rides. I found out I have a herniated disc(s) in my lower back (lumbar) that is causing symptoms. I’ve injured it twice within a month and spent a total of two weeks in bed because of it. The neurologist suggested an epidural, but I’ve put it off in the meantime. Right now, I’m not in significant pain, so I think I will wait to see if it heals on its own.
The fact that I’m writing a blog post right now is encouraging. Every day when I go to bed I feel down about myself because and I let another 24 hours go by without writing. At first, I was just going to take a little break, maybe a week to go on a “vacation” from blogging. Well, my last post was on March 22nd, today is June 12th. I’d say that was several weeks of vacation time!!
I don’t know if it’s lack of motivation or not, but that’s what it’s felt like. I hope that this passes, especially since my migraine attacks have backed off and I’ve had many more days migraine-free than usually lately. I take that as a win!! I’ve also learned that my doctor sent in my paperwork to receive the new migraine medication, Aimovig™. I should be hearing from the Aimovig™ Ally™ program soon to get my first two months FREE!! Super excited about that, especially since I am on Medicaid and it isn’t covered yet. I’ve also applied to the Amgen Safety Net Foundation for low-income patients. This also includes patients who are on Government-sponsored medical programs, like Medicare and Medicaid, who also meet income requirements. See my post all about how to fill out the Aimovig™ Service Request Form and Prescriptions form if you have Medicaid coming soon!
I hope your day is migraine-free and that your heart and mind are at peace. If you’re feeling low because of migraine, I’ve sent out some healing vibes into the world. Grab yours!!
Disclaimer: Please excuse any misspelled words or incorrect grammar. With Aphasia, words don’t always act right. I am a former Amgen and Novartis Spokesperson. This content reflects my own personal opinions and was not created or reviewed by Amgen and Novartis.
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