Well, She Doesn’t Look Sick

Let me tell you a story.

Just a few years ago, when I was working for corporate America sitting behind my desk writing reports about a faulty server or inadequate software testing I had just performed, I didn’t know things weren’t normal. I was tired and my mind was foggy, but I kept pushing forward, not realizing just how “off” I was. I didn’t want to lose my job. I didn’t want to turn in another report with numbers in the wrong columns. I didn’t want another visit to my supervisor’s office about my sudden and “out of nowhere” poor performance.

I distinctly remember sitting in front of my boss one day. He had called me into his office in that stern voice all supervisors get when they’re frustrated. I didn’t know why, though. I hadn’t missed any deadlines and as a team lead, that’s a big deal. My team did amazing work and we were always on point. But this one day, I walked into his office, sat in the comfy, black leather chair situated in front of his desk, and asked if everything was okay.

I’m really good at reading body language and facial expressions. I  knew right away this wasn’t a happy invitation. He looked at me, puzzled, turned his head to the computer screen, squinted his eyes, and then looked right back into my eyes. He asked me to come around his desk so I could see the screen. So I did, very confused and a lot scared, if I’m being honest. I am not the type to mess up or get into trouble.

As I’m looking at the spreadsheet I had emailed him the day prior, I notice right away why he was so puzzled, and frustrated. My report was completely inaccurate, and if I’m honest, almost incomprehensible. It looked like someone had just typed in numbers in random cells. The formulas didn’t stand a chance. What the heck?! I remember looking at him with this blank look and no words. I really didn’t know what to say. All I could do was tell him he’d have a corrected report by end of day. 

He wasn’t angry. He was concerned. This was so unlike me and he was worried something was going on with me. I didn’t realize just how bad the brain fog had set in. I promise, the day I worked on that report, as I was typing and calculating, it looked 100% correct and normal in every way. When I sent him the email, I did not think twice about it. The document looked like every other report I had sent to him. Keep in mind, I generated this spreadsheet every single week.

I didn’t know what to tell him. I had been on short-term disability leave before. I was out of the office for six months within the first year of working there. I had a severe Hemiplegic Migraine attack with non-stop symptoms lasting about 5 1/2 months. When I returned, I was much better and went roughly a year without having additional symptoms that were so long-lasting during that time.

I knew. I knew that something was coming and I was probably going to have to call the doctor. I had been having Hemiplegic Migraine attacks more often and I found myself working from home more days than usual. Thankfully, I had that luxury of working from home whenever I needed to.

After that day, things didn’t get better. I was sliding downhill and I knew I’d have to request short-term disability leave once again. I was devastated. I loved my job and my co-workers were awesome. My supervisor was so accepting and very understanding, but business is business. It wasn’t healthy for me to be at work, knowing my mind was not working as it should. So I did it. I went on disability leave. I was sad and felt like I let everyone down. I was a team lead and I couldn’t be trusted to turn in the quality work I was known for. 

I Didn’t Look Sick

Here’s the thing. I didn’t look sick. Yes, hemiplegic migraine attacks are not as invisible as most migraine types since they resemble a stroke so closely. But not all symptoms are visible. Severe brain fog is not visible. Especially when you do not even know you are in the middle of cognitive dysfunction. I had no idea I wasn’t writing or typing correctly. My brain interpreted everything I was doing as normal. I HAD NO IDEA. This is just a small example of how the brain fog associated with migraine has affected my life in a very big way. 

Everyone around me on that day I was working the report had no clue something was going on in that brain of mine. I smiled like normal. I talked normally. I held a conversation. I sat at my desk upright. I’d later learn some of my co-workers would say things like, “Well, she didn’t look sick!” 

No. No I didn’t.

Brain Fog & Aphasia

So what exactly is Brain Fog? In the medical field, it is termed as Clouding of Consciousness. Merriam-Webster defines Brain Fog as:

a usually temporary state of diminished mental capacity marked by inability to concentrate or to think or reason clearly

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/brain%20fog

I learned, at some point in my journey, one of my more troubling symptoms is called Aphasia. This can also affect the ability to use numbers, writing, but more importantly, speaking. I am affected by aphasia regularly, in all these ways.

For me, it is called transient aphasia, as it is not aphasia from a stroke and it comes and goes with my migraine attacks. I can also have aphasia with no migraine attack, but I usually feel very “off” when it happens. Transient aphasia is also part of my aura. As soon as I begin to have word finding difficulties, I know right away a migraine attack is probably approaching.

A blogger friend of mine wrote a great article about her experience with brain fog. Definitely give it a read when you have time!

My New Normal

You see, I’m a go-getter. I am a perfectionist. I am ambitious. I am…not those things, not so much anymore. While I still see parts of my old self, peeking through now and then, I have learned to slow down and press pause. THANKFULLY!

I am also no longer employed. I stay home and take care of myself. That is my job now. I have gone through so much in this journey with chronic illness and chronic pain. I’m just now finding myself on the other side with more better days. My new migraine preventative is making a real impact on my life today. I actually have hope to…have hope. I even started an online business, Achy Smile Shop. 

I spend my days designing new t-shirts and hoodies at my own pace. I write when I feel it’s safe and manage all of my social media accounts. I take the time to lay on the couch and binge Hulu and Netflix. I bring out my Kindle app and read for hours. Color pencils and coloring books are now part of my day.

A lot of people would see this as being lazy or selfish. For someone with a chronic illness, it IS NOT. It is necessary self-care for the mind. I didn’t see it this way at first. I did see it as selfish. I couldn’t wrap my mind around any of it. It took therapy and lots of convincing before I gave it a shot. BEST DECISION EVER!

Because of the experience I shared in my story earlier and from other events that have happened in my past with brain fog, I definitely run my articles through grammar checks and spell checks. I sometimes have Stephen or Marissa read through them before I publish.

The brain fog and aphasia have really done a number on me mentally. I have a type of PTSD because of my crazy, hectic symptoms. Because of them, I slow down, take my time, and tell myself it’s okay to mess up. It’s okay because even if I don’t look sick, and even when I don’t feel sick, my body is special and she needs me.