Sometimes I have to write a post as a way of self-therapy. This is one of those posts. I had a lot of hurt I needed to get out and writing, for me, is the best way. I’ve cried a lot tonight dwelling on what I’ve lost as a person with chronic illness. I hope this post doesn’t turn you off, but if it does, know that these words are my true feelings and by the end of getting this all out, I could finally breathe and stop crying. Thank you for always listening.
I hate my life…and I love it. I’ve accomplished so much, but I’ve also lost so much in a very short time. I’ve accomplished many things with very little resources, and I’ve lost it all. My life is a roller coaster and it doesn’t have an exit. I don’t foresee a stop in the distance. How do I navigate life with no emergency stop or without the ability to slow it down? I know hate is a strong word, but I mean it.
I hate my life. And I love it. Today, though, I hate it. I don’t hate my life with other people, I love my husband and my kids. When I say I hate my life, I’m talking about me. Erica Carrasco. My life, my body, my future. As me. I hate my chronic illnesses. I hate my disabilities. I hate that I’ve lost my career. I hate that I can be almost completely healthy one day and then bedridden for days after. I hate that I’ve lost everything that made me happy in my daily life. I hate that I can no longer support my family financially. I was the breadwinner in our family, and I was doing so well in my career before my body turned on me. It is so hard to know you have so much potential and there’s nothing you can do about it. My heart bleeds and cries whenever I think about it. I am beyond frustrated to know that I could conquer and destroy with my given abilities, but my body and my mind won’t allow it. I hate my life.
I love my life. I love that I have two amazing kids who know how to make me smile by seeing their dimples. I love my husband, even when I can’t stand him. We are complete opposites and we don’t always agree on fundamental beliefs…who am I kidding, we very rarely agree. Ha! But we have learned to agree to disagree and while we still have some heated arguments, we know we love each other. Life is never dull. I don’t have any complaints in the love department. I have it from my family in hordes, my extended family included. They are all so supportive now and I am so relieved and grateful to have them in my life. They help to keep me going with their positivity and their love.
That’s just it. It’s everyone outside of myself that keeps me going. They help keep me upright. They show me that my life isn’t just my pain. But sometimes all of that is just not enough. Every once in a while, I find myself mourning my life for what it could be. What I know it would be if I didn’t get sick with multiple chronic illnesses. I am smart, capable, and so eager to learn. I was only moving up in my career, and quickly. I was on my way to meeting all of the goals I had set for myself and I was happy. As Erica Carrasco, I was happy. I miss that happiness. That full feeling of accomplishment. That feeling of excitement to get up in the morning and get dressed for work. The only worries being what’s for dinner and were the kids going need help with homework.
I’m not in a good place tonight, but I know that I will pick myself back up tomorrow and find a way to contribute in any way I can. I have to. I can’t stop trying. I can’t stand limitations, and I think that’s what I’m fighting. The fact that I have had extremely strict limitations imposed on me without my permission. I do not always accept these limitations that disease has dropped on me like a lead anvil. It’s in this unacceptance that I find myself crying and hurting for what used to be. Most days, though, I do find acceptance. It’s on these days I feel free and I smile knowing that I’m using my experiences to help others just starting on this path. One of these days I’ll stop mourning, but until then, I will continue to try to make it through one day at a time. One day I won’t hate my life, I’ll happily accept it and love it. I will be happy
6 Comments
Oh lovely, I’m so sorry you’re doing it so life. Life with chronic illness is a struggle at the best of times, and I can understand the tumultuous feelings, the dichotomy between how you feel and the days where it’s too overwhelming, where you hate life. You’re one tough cookie and I know you appreciate the goodness in your life, but it’s okay to not be okay; just remember that you’ve hit these dark times before and you’ve survived, just as you will this time. Sending lots of love and hugs your way ♥
Caz xxxx
Some days are dark days, as I’m sure you understand. Thank you so much for your understanding words and hugs!!! Sometimes I’ll go back and read my posts about these tough times and comments like yours remind me why I’m so public about how I’m feeling. Thank you for helping to lighten up my days!
This literally sounds like my life. You are writing every feeling I have experienced over the last 8 years dealing with this. It’s progressed so far that I’m now unable to work as well. Thank God for those who help hold me up and keep me going, there are far too many days that the pain is too much for me to be able to do it alone.
You are definitely not alone. Are you part of any online support groups? They’ve helped me a lot over the years. They come with their downfalls too, so find one you feel most comfortable to open up.
I don’t have migraines, I can testify to this article, I would like to share this article with my Parkies at Parkinson’s. net.
Please do, there are so many of us out there with a chronic illness, no matter the type, that all feel this way. Big hugs to all the Parkies at Parkinsons.net!
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